Jumper [2008]

Shikyo's Ratings: 1 outta 5 PoPcOrNz!


Welcome to the Universe of the Terminally Stupid...
And behold, it reeks of Testosterones.

Now lemme be crystal clear - I do NOT detest the movie, I'm simply saying that this movie's plot is just made for stupid people with no brains. Before you jump to your toes defending it, I want you to really sit down and think about the events that happened in the movie. Because if I can tear this entire film apart scene by scene and criticize it till kingdom come, I'm sure you can find at least ONE scene to: "OMGWTF were the writers thinking?!?"

I'll start with the good points (because there are just so few of them): Jumper is cool and it is entertaining, maybe even a little bit exciting where the fights are concerned with all the flashing and jumping around. And not many movies have dealt solely with the idea of teleportation so maybe it gets a point for being somewhat "original." The actors are kinda cute too and... that's it! One popcorn rating from me, being extra generous with the salt.



Let's get on with the review: Ever since the beginning of superhero comics/movies, you've no doubt thought about what kinda supernatural power you'd want and what you'd do with it. People are greedy by nature; with powers, we aim straight for a combination of money, power, fame, some sort of invincibility, and more money. But when we take in quotes like Spidey's Uncle Ben's "With great power comes great responsibility," we put personal greed on the shelf and think about how we could use superpowers to help humanity for the better, then a lesson is learnt.


This disgusting movie doesn't even attempt to embrace the idea of learning a lesson. Instead, it steals the lesson and hammers it into a bloody pulp.

Stealing the lesson:
"You think it could go on like this forever? Living like this with no consequences? There are always consequences!" -- Roland to David.

Beating the lesson to death:
"Only God should have this power." -- again, Roland to David, explaining why his organization was out to hunt, kill and torture ALL Jumpers.


And of course, the atheist part of me is screaming why bring religion into the picture? WHY?!? The only explanation I could reason was because some asshat writer wanted to make the film more convincing so they threw in a connection to real world history behind the name of Roland's organization, "Paladin." And voila, suddenly christian notions of paladins, the crusades, the witch hunts... all can be explained because of these Jumpers!

Don't get me wrong. I like stories that connect the fictional world with our non-fiction past, but this is just stretching it to the point of Teh Unbelievable. Note to the movie-writers: if a normal sane person, like me, won't believe the historical bullcrap you're dishing out, then there's NO POINT in including it into the movie! >=(

I'm going to devote my nitpicking on why the movie is stupid and why the characters are stupid, but first, a word from our friendly spoiler alert:

* S * P * O * I * L * E * R * S *

Here's where you stop reading
if you haven't seen the film,
and you intend to do so

(But srsly, read on, cuz this film is a waste of money AND time)

* A * H * E * A * D *

The Snowglobe
Main protagonist, David, is bullied at school. David's snowglobe gets tossed out into the middle of a frozen lake by a classmate, and being the hero that he is, David goes to retrieve it. He slowly makes his way there, picks it up, holds the globe and STANDS there like he's about to make a speech at the Academy Awards. May I remind you, he's loitering around in the middle of a frozen lake. WTF!

The Toilet
Realizing his new cool jumping abilities, David hatches a plot to rob a bank because, y'know, money is all dat. Telling the security guard he wishes to use the washroom facilities, the guard brings him down to a place where you can CLEARLY see the vault behind rows of metal bars. The PUBLIC TOILET is situated down the hallway from the bank's main vault?! WTF!

The Apartment
With all the money in the world, David decides to get himself ONE fancy apartment. I must say that the only smart thing he did was create a room with no doors to stash his treasures. Jumper-hunter, Paladin Roland eventually discovers David's place and tries to kill him. And after narrowly escaping death, David decides that now's the best time to return to his hometown to look for his highschool sweetheart... Wait, what?! An assassin has found out who you are and where you live, and you wanna take a trip down memory lane. Yes, I see how that makes perfect sense...

The Brawl
While trying to find Millie (the highschool sweetheart) David bumps into that ole school snowglobe-throwing bully and they go at each other. David, for some asinine reason, decides it'd be a smart idea to Jump himself and the school bully into that first bank vault he robbed and leave him there... Because no one would ever check a bank vault??? Because he wanted to show off his supernatural powers??? I can't even BEGIN to rationalize his actions at this point...

The Coliseum
Long story short, David breaks into the coliseum (yes, that very famous one in Rome) to show Millie around. David meets Griffin (another Jumper) and suddenly a whole bunch of Paladins show up to kill them. Griffin jumps back to his lair to escape, now the funny thing is that he knows about Jump Scars and he knows the Paladins know about Jump Scars, so WHY didn't he THINK about making pitstops elsewhere to make sure no one follows his trail back to his ultra secret hidden lair?! Back in Rome, Millie and David have cops at their tails, and instead of cooperating with David, Millie insists for David's explanations first. OMG silly girl! Run first, ask questions later >_<

So far I've been ranting along as the storyline progresses from start to just about middle, I'm going to stop pointing out stupid stuff now, but believe me, there's MUCH MORE. Anyways, there are loose ends as well... unanswered things like:

The Jumps
Sometimes when David jumps, he arrives at his destination with everything in his spherical circumference destroyed. But then he got better at jumping and there were no damages. Up until the point his dad died and David jumped him into the hospital, did the damages start up again O_o It could be that the damage is caused by his emotions but seriously, if you're just bending space and time to jump, what causes all the destruction and why isn't the jumper's skin or clothes destroyed too??? Inconsistencies like these drive me nuts >_<

The Mom
It is revealed that David's mom is a Paladin in the end. But at one point, Roland did invade David's dad's house and finds a picture of David's mom -- and you could tell that Roland recognized her. So if all the Paladins know each other, then why wasn't there any interrogation done?? In the last scene, David's mother is seen to be living comfortably in a large house with her blissfully ignorant family. You'd think that the mother of a known jumper would be taken in for genetic testing and such...

* * * * *

Oyvay, I better wrap up this growing rant.

Lemme take you back to a scene where David turns on the TV and the news reporter telecasts a devastating flood saying that "nothing short of a miracle" will save these folks. And what does David do? Blatantly Ignore it, he does.

And at the end of the climatic battle with Roland, David deposits him in the middle of the Grand Canyon (why didn't he think of this sooner with the school bully?) ... anyways David's last line to Roland was something like "See, I'm different." Right, leaving someone in a desert is definitely "different" from Griffin's other methods like leaving a guy in the ocean, dropping a guy from thousands of feet up, etc. /End sarcasm.

In closing, I'm going to say that this movie has got to be the biggest parody of any male god-like figure: A guy with superpowers who enjoys only the pleasures and thrills of life -- cars, babes, money -- and totally turning a blind eye to everything else that matters, while at the same time making stupid decisions. I mean, come on, does this not sound familiar? Remember those imaginary fictional male god-like entity(s) ...those self-indulging, self-centered, selfish pigs that you worship daily...

Yeah, just stand there and think about it. It'll come to you one day.